June 23 — Henna Night
A traditional henna night is a women-only event where the women stain their palms and fingertips with fragrant henna. In the Altintas household, henna night also involves copious amounts of alcohol and men.
What to expect: Booze, music, henna, people. This is basically a bachelor/bachelorette party.
Where and when: 7pm EET in Duygu’s parents’ back yard.
What to wear: Non-formal nice party clothes. Be smart about your shoe choice, as the lawn is comprised of grass.
June 24 — Hamam (Turkish Bath)
Similar to a Turkish prison, everyone gets naked and touches one another. Turkish baths are made of marble and open to the public. Men and women are traditionally separate. Attendants wash and massage visitors.
What to expect: Steam. Music. Fun. This version will be co-ed. You don’t have to be completely naked. The only one getting touched and tortured against his will (unless he consents) is the groom – Alex. It’s a tradition and it’ll make Duygu happy.
Where and when: The day after Henna Night and the day before the wedding. The exact time depends on the level of hungovernessness from the Henna Night.
What to wear: Nothing, duh. (Bikini, swim trunks, flip-flops, whatever.) You will be given a peshtemal.
June 25 — Wedding Celebration
Very much like Western weddings, the Turkish heathen bride will wear white and the groom will wear a suit — or something like it. In Turkish weddings, it is customary to give the bride and groom jewelry and gold as gifts. But since your travel from the US to the ISIS stronghold of Turkey to watch us get drunk and dance is gift enough, we’ll forgive you if it’s only a little bit of gold.
What to expect: Lots of alcohol, lots of good food, lots of dancing, and live music.
Where and when: On top of a hill surrounding a lake. It’s pretty awesome — the lake is deserted. An equivalent American lake would be full of drunk rednecks. This will be full of drunk Turks with a handful of drunk rednecks, groom included. Starts at 8:00 PM EET.
What to wear: Dress nice, like you’re going to Cinderella’s ball. Women should do their best to out-dress the bride.